so I'm back. Uncomfortable feelings I can't express openly to the more shallow online 'friendships' we now see. Although it's still sharing things online, there are just some fundamental differences between LJ and Facebook - at least for me.

I've been single for over a year, not even remotely close to being in a relationship of any kind. Which is just fine; it's safe. It's comfortable. But it's also leading me down a quiet road.

The past month and a half, I've been really busy. Traveling and being with people all weekend. It's hard. This weekend I was craving solitude, and I know there is more socializing to come.

I am also in a weird holding pattern. This isn't really "home" - it was blatantly clear when I went into Bed, Bath and Beyond the other day. How many years did I work on making where I lived "home" - and now I don't feel that at all. This is a dwelling place, it's not a home. How will that change? Do I want it to? Or is that just to set myself up for more failure, more disappointment? Every month I write a check that reminds me I'm seemingly incapable of having a home of my own: I was in my house less than a year when I picked up and left it. It wasn't good enough. Sometimes I think nothing will ever be. And when literally every week comes with stories of couples breaking up, being heart-broken, fighting, why would I even want to put myself through that again?

It's easy to be on your own: living the life you want, not answering to anyone. Why do I have to feel obligated to do "something for the holidays" if that doesn't mean anything to me? Yet we get wrapped up in what is socially acceptable, forgetting that we need to consider what we as individuals value and cherish.

I'm simply a better "one on one" friend than a "group" friend. It's not that I want it to be that way, it just is. I'm starting to develop some friendships here, and so invites to social events are starting to come in.

Friday night I got an invite to join a group at a local bar that plays country AND new music. I declined, so my friend asked if I just wanted to hang out and play pool. I'm bad at pool, but I sucked it up, warned her of that, and we went. And it was fine, it was a lot of fun. I gave myself permission not to be perfect and we just hung out. Win.

Yesterday another friend invited me to dinner/games night at her house. I was ok with her and her girlfriend until the other friends showed up, and then I just felt terribly awkward. It didn't help that the friends brought a big dog, and the hostess inquired about my allergies, and the dog got banished to the patio. I was nervous, had nothing to say and just felt out of place. Earlier that day on the phone, the friend had asked if I preferred being by myself to hanging out with people and I said no. I wouldn't mind spending my days with someone, just maybe not a gang of someones..

I know myself: I'm a good online communicator, and good one on one, but larger social situations are really tough for me. But here I am in a new city, how am I going to meet new people if I can only interact with those I already know??

Then I went home and had (unrelated) nightmares all night. I get so frustrated with myself, but I don't know if it's just worth accepting who I am, rather than trying to change it?

Current Mood: listless

Years ago, a girlfriend questioned my need for affirmation. Isn't that somewhat what LJ is all about? We share our "innermost" thoughts, open them up for opinion or validation from others.

I've long struggled with extreme insecurities, and having a space like this helped me to formulate my own opinions as a result of input from others. That's probably why 'social media' is such a no-brainer for me :)

Obviously, I've more or less outgrown LJ, and my 'official' social media persona doesn't talk about such personal topics or examine the rationale for my behavior. Moving across the country last summer, I denied myself the intimate discussions you can have in-person with close friends, and there's just something different about dashing off an email.

Ultimately, I've had a lot of time to think about things on my own, and I will admit the weight has been heavy. I've shared frustrations with people, but in the end I'm the only one who knows the whole deal.

It's shocking to think that a mere 8 years ago, I was the person who wanted to be completely transparent and share every waking thought or impulse with another person: completely co-dependent.

Sure, I still have work to do. I have been asking tons of people what my derby name should be. But that's not any monumental decision. There are some of those in life, and I know that in the end I need to make them on my own and be responsible for them. I know that the decision to be here and the circumstance that I AM here are both a sign that I need to embrace this responsibility, and above all, have faith in my power to make the right decision.

I do look to others to ensure I'm being rational (I know I have a tendency to get emotional and irrational), but I need to evolve into the person who writes my own story.

No excuses, no justifications.

what's done is done, but this is interesting:

Horoscope
Having doubts about love may be more to do with memories of past failure than with anything in the present. Much to your chagrin, skeletons in the closet could come out to dance in broad daylight. Although you would rather keep some things private, sharing your vulnerability now with close friends or family may be the key to salving an old wound.

is anybody out there?

why do I have a plus account on here?

I just hooked up my new hp mediasmart tv. Yes, I totally bought a tv not on picture quality or size, but on the fact that I can stream music from my laptop.  Right now I don't have a stereo, I just carry my laptop into the room I'm in. Now I can set it to play through the tv..

It uses windows media player to retrieve the tracks, so you can use existing playlists, as well as search by song or artist. Nice..

I also got a WII this weekend, although I haven't even hooked it up (I was too busy trying just to figure out the danged tv!). Tons of television fun (without cable!) for everyone...

so this is what 30 feels like...

H-1B visa fee might triple if bill passed
Friday, May 25, 2007

The U.S. Senate passed an amendment that could more than triple the fees employers pay for each H-1B visa petition.

The amendment sponsored by Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vermont) had originally proposed raising fees from the current $1,500 to $8,500 per H-1B visa. However, the version of the amendment that passed the Senate 59 to 35, calls for an increase in fees to $5,000 per H-1B visa.

The fees are earmarked to fund a new scholarship program for American students pursuing degrees in mathematics, technology and health care related fields.

In a statement, Compete America, a coalition of American tech firms, called the passage of the Sanders amendment "an outrageous and onerous tax increase on our nation's most innovative companies, and could make the H-1B program cost-prohibitive, especially for smaller businesses."

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I find the idea of the fees going towards scholarships for Americans interesting. Charge companies more to bring in foreign workers, and use the proceeds to help raise Americans abilities to compete with these foreign workers. I guess it makes sense if it works, but what if all of a sudden, American companies decide not to bring in foreign help, what if it becomes too expensive? The American students don't get their scholarships, which means (assumedly) they do not have the same skillset as the foreign workers the companies wanted to hire. Who benefits? Not the foreign workers, not the companies, not the Americans students... I suppose it's a balance, but it seems there are alot of dependencies there. You can only rely on the influx of cash from hiring foreign workers to bolster your domestic educational system for so long before the whole thing topples over..

ReedElsevier named second in Top 10 Media list

Accordingto market research firm Outsell, Reed Elsevier comes second on the top 10 listfor biggest companies in the global information industry.

Google topped the list at $365 billion, climbing from fourth place in 2005. Other companies in the topten are: Thomson Corporation, Pearson plc, Gannett, Yahoo, McGraw-Hill Companies, VNU Group, Reuters Group and Wolters Kluwer.

the ability to work from home = GOOD when the weather is poor
the ability to work from home = NOT GOOD when the office is physically closed

oh yeah, and I was actually excited about driving to work this week in this:


Yup, no more honda for me. It was a good car,but I decided to let it retire at 195,000 miles..